I am waiting for my turn to play tennis, social doubles. Love the pop-thwack of that crazy ball. Ray Charles exits the court in a cool sweat. I ask if I can borrow his racquet but he declines, telling me it’s not his to lend. This is very disappointing – I feel like pointing out to the dude, him being blind and all, that his weapon of choice for the day was fluorescent pink. But I hold my tongue and take to the court with a gigantic pair of scissors, obviously the best option under the circumstances. As I force my first winner down the line I feel the blades slice into my hands. But Ray is still present and I want him to smell the blood of victory.

My housemate has a pirated DVD of The Pianist, Roman Polanski's 2002 Holocaust film. Reading the lead quote on the back cover has become one of life's small pleasures.

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Meanwhile, as a postscript to the Today Tonight blurb of a few weeks back, essential viweing has emerged with the ABC's DVD release of Frontline. Thirteen episodes of the most cynical current affairs satire ever put together and seen by me. And it must have the admiration of TT and A Current Affair - they're still lifting the storylines.

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Music is said to soothe the savage beast. The Polyphonic Spree doses the beast with Prozac and rams sunshine down every orifice. Enmore Theatre, January 27: witness the Texan 24 piece trade in delight, colour, and a sound that can only clean.





too happy, they are, we are

Dregs From Darlo apologises for a lack of new content but some soul-searching was required to assess whether the site was simply turning into a vehicle for yet more anti-Howard rants. The decision has been made that Johnny and the negative vibe he brings can piss right off. At least until Parliament resumes. Which unfortunately is this month. Meanwhile, have been on location on and off in recent times. There was the annual pilgrimage home to Enzed. Auckland you are cute and the longer I'm away the more I like you. One day I'll have my way with you and I think you know it. Sydney's Glamarama, just a stumble from the nation's best known sandpit, Bondi, I enjoyed our fling. Your cool sea breeze, only to be dreamed about in the inner-west, remains vivid in my memory. It had to end though - it's just the wrong time for us, but I hope we can be friends. And Darlington, it's nice to be back. We've got another six months together at least. Let's make the most of it.

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
     
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
     
543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.
     
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.
     
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
     
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
     
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.




* figures allegedly supplied by the Australian Bureau of Statistics

Maggie's written one for the boys but don't get your hopes up - our post-apocalyptic kingdom is unfortunately not over-endowed with food, drink, eager maidens or absolute power. Nup. This is an intricate future in which the corporate world's GM leftovers make life a pain in the arse for our hero Jimmy. And what's worse he's all out of weed.

Oryx and Crake ultimately behaves too much like one of its own GM creatures - a brilliantly-conceived entity which loses its purpose - but enviros, fans of dystopian lit and molecular biologists should all enjoy.

Loyal fans of dead Princess Diana have been given their latest fix with Channel Seven broadcasting The Diana Tapes - new initimate revelations even more intimate than the last revelations. Good to see irony running thick at Seven, with this delivery from presenter Anna Coren at the segment's conclusion:

"Seven years after Diana's death and you have to wonder if the scrutiny of her life will ever end".

Coming next week - the greedy insurance company refusing to cover an amphetamine-addict after his neighbour's ADD-afflicted son reached into his chest and pulled out his heart...

SYDNEY - With a powerful new mandate Australia's re-embittered leftist greenie bleeding-heart trendy mung bean-eating inner-city chardonnay-swilling cry babies hit the ground running yesterday, promising to focus on further economic division, the war on hypocrisy and build stronger resentment of perceived Liberal voters everywhere.

Local man Jim Stewart has called his first news conference since the stunning weekend loss to outline his immediate timetable. He will make two trips to the pub this week, both of which will enable him to build stronger ties with the bottom of glasses - a clear signal Australia will not neglect its relations with blonde bar girls who get more beautiful with each drink.

“I’m glad to have this powerful new mandate” stated Stewart this afternoon. “I’ve always wanted a mandate. Between you, me and the free world I was willing to wait until late night shopping at Broadway Mall, but this emphatic thumbs-down from the Australian people will give me the chance to fester and sour at a rate never seen before."

.”

 

Only days away from the federal election now and polling indicates the Howard Coalition Government will be returned.

Theory 1: Half the voters are happy because they have enough money while half of those without enough money are too scared to vote for change in case they end up with less money.

Theory 2: The media has really gotten in behind the Liberal Govt and these Australians love to back their winners. (Apparently they used to like the underdog, but this must have been in the pre-Howard days of egalitarianism and short shorts). For example last week Nine News opened with "... Mark Latham's last roll of the dice today..."

Theory 3: The Howard Govt advertising has been a lot better than Labor's. The highlight has been to convince the electorate that Labor equals double-digit interest rates. Pure genius. 

Theory 4: Lack of policy difference. If everyone's gonna be right-wing then why not go with the guys who do right-wing the best.

Theory 5: Too many state Labor governments.

Theories 6 through 15: Miscellaneous. The weather has been good - sunny with a bit of rain to ease the drought. The Olympians did a splendid job and the cricket team still rules. No Australians (apart from the odd left-wing journo who probably deserved it anyway) killed in Iraq. About the right number of Australians killed in Indonesia to make Australians worried but few enough attacks at home to make them feel like they're being looked out for.

Theory 16: Constant rejoicing in the building up of a surplus (never mind running down of infrastructure).

Theory 16: Centrebet says so.