And the airport security saga continues. The Australian newspaper this week published a leaked Customs report detailing how 39 of Sydney Airport’s 500 security screeners have serious criminal convictions. When questioned about the behaviour of baggage-handlers, some of whom have been linked to a cocaine-smuggling ring, the Transport Workers Union’s Glenn Nightingale maintained that inappropriate conduct would not be tolerated:

NIGHTINGALE: Now if there’s rotten apples let’s get rid of the rotten apples. If you haven’t got a proper security regime these rotten apples will thrive…*

INTERVIEWER: Rotten apples don’t just… rot away?

NIGHTINGALE: No! Rotten apples thrive and multiply and endanger good Australians everywhere.

INTERVIEWER: Could they evolve into a cider, or perhaps a nice apple liqueur?

NIGHTINGALE: That’s not what the public wants.

But hours later Nightingale had somewhat changed his tune:

INTERVIEWER: So you’re happy with any level of surveillance of your members by close-circuit television?

NIGHTINGALE: ….If there is rock knuckles let’s remove the rock knuckles.*

INTERVIEWER: Rock knuckles?

NIGHTINGALE: Rock knuckles have to be removed to obtain the perfect apple liqueur.

INTERVIEWER: And no doubt the public applauds your stance. Can we end this entry and go back to John and Bryan now?

*Source: ABC Statewide
*Source: ABC 702

Controversy erupted in the sporting world today when national rugby union captain George Gregan admitted he takes No-Doz caffeine tablets before big matches. Gregan, citing Australian Institute of Sport research, claims athletes can get a significant boost from the previously-banned substance.

However others are worried that the wrong message is being sent to the community. "If the captain of the national side requires such stimulants [to stay awake] then what does this say to spectators?" asked Darlington Rugby Union Association president Merv Futzpatruck. "After all he has arguably the best view of some of the most wondrous, athletic bodies in world sport. Have you seen the thighs on George Smith? Works of art [mate]."

A spokesperson for No-Doz has refused to comment on speculation that the company is to bid for the naming rights to next year's Super 14 competition. 

Jibes have also come from rugby league, with supporters claiming the revelations only highlight league's position as the tougher football code. "Those private school toffs get their kicks from pissy caffeine pills while our boys accept nothing less than base amphetamine" said a source close to infamous Bulldogs star Willie Mason.*


* "close", in this case, refering to the number of words between the two in this sentence.

for the very first time we have the chords and lyrics to the song Snails!


D
Snails are my current favourite animals
C
I think they're quite nice
D
They don't give me no trouble
G7
And go real well with rice

D
Snails are my current favourite animals
C
So I'd never actually eat em for lunch
D
But I do get a bit of a thrill
G7
When under my feet they crunch crunch crunch crunch

chorus:
D
Snails, snails, I love your trails
G               A   D
Shine on in the sun
D
Snails, snails, I love those trails
G               A    D
I'd follow every one



sent in by Martin. nice work.

[taken from this week's Darlington Advertiser]

In a moving tribute to Pope John Paul II, Darlington couple Sam and Kath Watkins have named their first child after the much-loved pontiff. “We’re actually atheist but couldn’t help getting emotionally caught up in what has been the greatest celebrity death of our time” beams Sam. “Apart from Diana,” adds Kath, the proud new mum.

The couple admired the way the Pope was able to touch so many people and hope their daughter will one day do the same. “Not in the Biblical sense, though”, warns Sam, taking on the role of protective father effortlessly. “Any boys come near her I’ll make them wish they’d never been put on God’s earth. I know what they’re like. The f**kers only want one thing.”

Sam and Kath were going to name their daughter after pop seductress Delta, but say Pope Watkins has “more spiritual feel”. We at the Darlington Advertiser agree and wish all the best to the community’s latest addition! Pope Watkins was born on April 9, weighing six pounds six ounces.

It has been suggested music is the emancipator-saviour of the species. If that's true then does the hit parade justify genocide? Whatever. Here's some stuff I done went to.

Organ-ize Me - The Basement, Wednesday 23 February. Take two Hammond B3s, some of the best players Sydney has to offer, season with house band, Sandman as host and we have a promising brew. But while this showcase absolutely confirmed the Hammond to be audio bliss, the sheer skill of its masters became overwhelming. Frenzied fingering action initially enthralled but eventually wore me down, leading to the realisation that the older I get the simpler my taste becomes. When I'm 75 I will be captivated by the ticks of a life support machine. Its flatlining drone will be a fitting send-off to music geek heaven.

The Organ - Sandringham Hotel, Sun 6 March. Canadian girl rock vaguely recalling the likes of Joy Division. Simple, unpretentious, but perhaps, due to my coming from a Kill Bill screening, it seemed to be missing that feminine touch of pseudo-mystic murderous revenge.

Kronos Quartet - Sydney Opera House, Mon 7 March. That the Visual Music performance was a trip is not open to debate. That they're the world's "most innovative" string quartet may be true. But being a classics philistine I'm hardly in a position to verify their greatness. So, in the interest of critical integrity, I've booked my ticket for the mid-year performance by the Darlington Public School year sevens, after which I will proclaim Kronos to be unparalleled in their brilliance.

Violent Femmes - Enmore Theatre, Wed 9 March. Fears that they would be sad old grandads was allayed after just a few VBs (nb. thanks to the venue for only offering the taste of vomit) and the band became the coolest nerdy grandads you could imagine. Sure there's is a touch of the predatory in Gordon crying out for Dad to give him the car so he can get his girl drunk, high and have his sordid way, but this was two hours of living legend goodness I woulda never had had. Worth it for that glockenspiel solo alone...

The Model School - Excelsior, Fri 11 March. Syd-indie country rock that has one arm around Beck but allows the other to slug a drink and the eyes to scope the room. Nice - I will be back.

King Brothers - Spectrum, Sun 13 March. Anarchic Japanese garagepunk noisemakers who revealed support act The Dolly Rocker Movement to be the flower-munching hippies we always knew they were. King Brothers exploded The DRM's valve guitar amp simply by looking at it during soundcheck. Included: fellatio of vocal mics, drumming that wouldn't have gone amiss in Dresden and enough energy to power, say, Adelaide. Lacked: silence, return tour dates.

Prime Minister Howard today averted sustained and bloody conflict between Australia and New Zealand by backing down over the Farnham at Gallipoli affair. Stodgy middle class Australian pride had been severely poked by the news that aged Aussie cherub John Farnham’s planned performance at Gallipoli had been vetoed by NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark. Talkback radio, the nation’s rool barometer, moved into the red neck this afternoon, spearheaded by 2GB’s Chris Smith, who seethed with both rage and ratings insecurity. “What could be more moving than this?” posed the broadcaster ahead of an excerpt of Farnham’s over-produced, middle of the road, sound-of-dying-kangaroos maudlin.

Whilst the bowels of unprepared listeners moved sufficiently across Sydney, behind the scenes the nations’ governments differed in their damage control measures. As Treasurer Peter Costello admitted a pop concert at the remembrance ceremony for slaughtered WWI soldiers might not convey a suitable tone, Clark continued with her offensive, authorising a spokesman to declare she had never heard of “Johnny Farnham”. With Australia’s elite troops still liberating Iraqis from whatever it was and former diggers keeping their wise old eyes on poker machine tax increases, John Howard smarlty issued a press release admitting he shared Clark’s view. Farnham’s manager Glenn Wheatley is yet to stop commenting.

It has happened. Golden Grove (the microcosm of Darlington from where these updates originate) has a new leadership in place. The revolution was, for the most part, bloodless, the old rulers opting for neo-colonial opportunities interstate. In keeping with the style of the modern corporate world the revolution was conducted more through economics than warfare. Indeed, infrastructure such as the fridge, couches and microwave have been transferred from the old to the new at cut-price rates, with expenses to be borne on the backs of future generations.

As for the citizens, intelligence reports and market research indicate both acceptance of and goodwill towards the new regime. This of course will be monitored closely. There may be conflict between the Scottish and Swedish blocs, as the latter has grown to represent an ethnic majority, but NZ can play peacekeeper as well as benevolent dictator.

Peace out. More reports to follow.