Dregs from Darlo. Darlington, Sydney. A place to be.
May 17, 2005
Kicks and misses
Controversy erupted in the sporting world today when national rugby union captain George Gregan admitted he takes No-Doz caffeine tablets before big matches. Gregan, citing Australian Institute of Sport research, claims athletes can get a significant boost from the previously-banned substance.
However others are worried that the wrong message is being sent to the community. "If the captain of the national side requires such stimulants [to stay awake] then what does this say to spectators?" asked Darlington Rugby Union Association president Merv Futzpatruck. "After all he has arguably the best view of some of the most wondrous, athletic bodies in world sport. Have you seen the thighs on George Smith? Works of art [mate]."
A spokesperson for No-Doz has refused to comment on speculation that the company is to bid for the naming rights to next year's Super 14 competition.
Jibes have also come from rugby league, with supporters claiming the revelations only highlight league's position as the tougher football code. "Those private school toffs get their kicks from pissy caffeine pills while our boys accept nothing less than base amphetamine" said a source close to infamous Bulldogs star Willie Mason.*
* "close", in this case, refering to the number of words between the two in this sentence.
