Prime Minister Howard today averted sustained and bloody conflict between Australia and New Zealand by backing down over the Farnham at Gallipoli affair. Stodgy middle class Australian pride had been severely poked by the news that aged Aussie cherub John Farnham’s planned performance at Gallipoli had been vetoed by NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark. Talkback radio, the nation’s rool barometer, moved into the red neck this afternoon, spearheaded by 2GB’s Chris Smith, who seethed with both rage and ratings insecurity. “What could be more moving than this?” posed the broadcaster ahead of an excerpt of Farnham’s over-produced, middle of the road, sound-of-dying-kangaroos maudlin.

Whilst the bowels of unprepared listeners moved sufficiently across Sydney, behind the scenes the nations’ governments differed in their damage control measures. As Treasurer Peter Costello admitted a pop concert at the remembrance ceremony for slaughtered WWI soldiers might not convey a suitable tone, Clark continued with her offensive, authorising a spokesman to declare she had never heard of “Johnny Farnham”. With Australia’s elite troops still liberating Iraqis from whatever it was and former diggers keeping their wise old eyes on poker machine tax increases, John Howard smarlty issued a press release admitting he shared Clark’s view. Farnham’s manager Glenn Wheatley is yet to stop commenting.